News Item: "Scientists trying to create a detailed inventory ofall the matter and energy in the cosmos run into a curious problem -- the vast majority of it is missing."
OK. Who awarded Halliburton the universe maintenance contract?
PARIS HILTON, DIAGNOSED
News Item: ". . . 'acquired situational narcissism,' a syndromethat describes those who become self-adoring as a result of havingfame, power or wealth thrust upon them."
News Item: ". . . acquired situational narcissism . . . aconsequence of 'exaggerated self-importance' that overcomes moviestars or athletes who sense everyone looking at them when they entera room . . ."
News Item: "Our correspondent reports on acquired situationalnarcissism -- and how to deal with it."
No! Don't report on it!
Now everyone will want it.
HENRY 5.1
R.E., a Phoenix, Ariz., reader, regarding a news item thatBritish educators have endorsed a series of Shakespeare comicstranslating the original into language more accessible to today'sstudents, suggests:
- "But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? shall / we rousethe night-owl in a catch that will draw / three souls out of oneweaver?"
- "Party!"
Or Dan O'Shea, a Copperas Cove, Texas, reader, suggests:
- "O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?"
- "That's it?"
Or . . .
RANCH DRESSING
News Item: President Bush is reportedly annoyed at a news storynoting that he "has two distinct looks when he's in Texas: the ranch-hand man and the crisp appearance of a ranch owner" -- and that inrecent months "he's opted to look more like 'Walker, Texas Ranger'than a sweaty, tough ranch hand."
See? The Bush-bashing never stops.
After all the president has been through, now his critics areafter him for dressing like a pretend cowboy.
Just what else is the owner of a pretend ranch supposed to wear?
WHOSE GOOD IDEA? HARD TO RECALL
News Headline: "Chrysler inks deal to sell Chinese cars."
But will these cars be roomy enough to take the kids to theclinic after they play with the Chinese toys and the dog to the vetafter it eats the Chinese dog food?
Or will it take two trips?
JUST GIVE US MORE 'DR. WHO'
News Item: "A forthcoming British TV documentary will portrayJesus as Muslims see him. . . ."
This should be helpful on so many levels.
BUSH'S BRAIN SPEAKS
News Headline: "Rove: Dems in danger of repeating mistakes ofVietnam."
Just one question, Mr. Rove: Could you please help the rest of usfind a single Vietnam mistake we haven't already repeated?
DON'T WANT EGG ON THEIR FACES
From the Annals of the Federal Bureau of Police Squad (cont'd):
Homeland Security has announced that the nation's chicken houses,because they are typically heated with propane gas, may be added tothe list of potential terrorism targets, with farmers required tocomplete vulnerability assessments and develop site security plans.
SHUFFLED OFF THIS MORTAL COIL
A reader wants you to know that at least one place that providesmedical care has told employees not to refer to a "patient" who has"died," but instead to a "person" who has "lived out his life."
And a "disciplinary write-up" is "progressive counseling."
And a "cane" is an "assistive device."
And when, by the way, did chicken coops become chicken houses,and when can we have chicken coops back again?
And . . .
WAS SHE TOUCHING 'BASE'?
Modern Education + the Criminal Mind =
A woman who was stopped by a security guard after leaving a storewith a pair of shoplifted jeans in White Plains, N.Y., told thesecurity guard she couldn't be arrested, saying, "It's too late, Ialready left the store," police said.
SAVE SOME FOR TOMORROW
QT Early Warning System:
The "Today" show will soon be four hours long.
WEAK REASSURANCE
Steve Benner, a biological chemist at the Foundation for AppliedMolecular Evolution in Gainesville, Fla., on research there tocreate synthetic life:
"When these things are created, they're going to be weak. It'llbe a huge achievement if we can keep them alive for an hour in thelab. But them getting out and taking over -- never in ourimagination could that happen."
Strange. We haven't heard from the lab since -- what? -- there'sno -- wait -- we'd better -- no, call the --
qt@suntimes.com
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